


Our Love Came Unannounced (in the Middle of the Night)

by girl0nfire, saturnmeetsmercury (jarofhearts)



Series: I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bucky teaches Natasha the things that really matter, Department X, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Falling In Love, First Time, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Oral Sex, Sexual Inexperience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-08-16 09:49:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8097520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girl0nfire/pseuds/girl0nfire, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarofhearts/pseuds/saturnmeetsmercury
Summary: Friday: Oral Sex“If I did this with you, what you just did with me,” Natalia finally says, searching his eyes, “would that feel as good for you?”She feels him shiver below her, his head tipping back into her touches, and his voice is deeper when he replies."Yes."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been a draft for a year, which actually is less than it feels like to me. We're very happy that it's finally getting posted now that the new Smut-a-thon is happening, and the rest of this series is going to follow very shortly.
> 
> All my thanks and my love and my eternal dedication - and that's not just words, I really, really mean it - go to my co-author girl0nfire, a very special friend of mine, without whom none of these stories would have happened. Love, I'm going to follow you around like a lost puppy for a very long time because I'm not sure you understand how much I'm grateful to you for, and how hopeful I'll always be for more.
> 
> All that said, I love this story very much because it gave me the chance to give Natasha a part of the youth she should have had, a chance to be a young girl, and to find something that influenced her whole life even when she couldn't remember it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I still do.

Natasha never fully regains the memory of how it happened.

Or at least of how it _started_.

This is what she knows:

They were on a mission in Paris, her very first as the new Black Widow, the first after a month of intensive training in Department X under the tutelage of the Winter Soldier. He pushed her in a different way than all the instructors in the Red Room, and there was so much she had learned in only a month that it was obvious how much she had profited from the change in her training.

How much she _enjoyed_ it, his eyes on her, the look of appreciation every time she excelled at a task he gave her - that was her secret.

In the morning, Dulcie September was going to die. But until then, they needed to lay low in a hotel with one bed, and they were doing it under the guise of a young tourist couple.

Natasha remembers knowing how to fake affection and attachment, to fake youth and carefreeness. But she also remembers that it was easier - much easier - than it should have been.

Maybe it had been the way he had smiled, loose and brilliant like she had never seen on him before. Maybe it had been the way his arm around her had felt warm and unassuming instead of caging and unwanted. Maybe -

The way he had kissed her had settled warmth in her chest.

This was the bit she can’t quite remember: why, upon locking themselves away in the confines of the hotel room, they didn’t drop the act. How it happened that one moment they were still subtly flirting in a way that was more familiar than it should ever realistically be and the next -

His body had never felt uncomfortable up close. Natasha can’t really remember the smell, not after all this time, but she knows that she liked it. That she never felt the urge to move away.

One of the first memories about it that returned was the way her heart hammered as they kissed, and the source of the rush was hard to pinpoint. If it was the way his hand trailing over her stomach made unfamiliar heat pool in her gut, or if it was the sudden uncertainty about her mission parameters - and about his.

Because what if this, right here, was a _test_?

Was this something she was supposed to do, or to withstand? What happened if she failed?

And yet - with the way his touch was gentle, warm and soft and cool and unyielding as they peeled each others’ clothes away together, the way the tips of his hair brushing over her skin made goosebumps rise in their wake, the way his touches made her pulse and ache so much that it wasn’t any discomfort that made her make him stop when his fingers carefully sank into her, when it felt _too good_ , when _something_ threatened to tighten her muscles that she never experienced before - (too threatening. Not understanding what he was doing, neither of the other two had) - so when he listened to her immediately, when she got him to go on the way this was supposed to go - (even though it was nothing, _nothing_ like what she knew) -

\- she couldn’t bring herself to care.

 

***

 

Natalia doesn’t understand what this is, what’s going on. She tried to keep her senses sharp and focussed on him, she _did_ , unsure if he’s just looking for that one moment, the weakness of inattention. She has come so far, she _can’t_ let that -

But the tension, the heat having built up in her body break suddenly and violently, without her consent, at a twist of his hip and a few more sharp thrusts.

She has _never_ lost control over her own body like this and it’s as scary as it threatened to be when she stopped him before, when his fingers had moved inside her and his thumb had flickered over that bundle of nerves, but it’s also -

It’s the best, the _best_ feeling she has ever had. It’s overwhelming and hot and cold at the same time, she can barely move, can barely _think_ , and even though right now would be the best, easiest moment to simply reach out and break her neck if he was so inclined, Natalia can’t do anything about it.

She has never felt so exposed, so shocked, so vulnerable - but like she’s flying, not falling.

And as quickly as it came on, it’s _over_ , and her whole body uncurls from itself, her muscles unlocking, and _what_ was -

Vaguely, over her, she can see his face crumpling up, the fluid motion of his hips stuttering, and he looks not at _all_ like he’s interested in doing anything but carrying on with this, and it’s almost a relief to see that he seems just as caught up, distracted. But suddenly, he’s moving away from her, slipping out of her still hard and that’s not what’s -

This _whole situation_ is so strange, and she almost feels like what she’s seeing isn’t real, watching him as his right hand comes down to stroke himself quickly, roughly, once, twice, and then something warm is spilling on her stomach and she’s -

She’s never felt so disconnected from _anything_ before, while still being right in it.

But it’s not _bad_ , just strange.

Natalia looks back and forth from her stomach to his face, still breathing harshly, so… _confused_. Why did he do that? Why - _How_ -

Her mind is still not quite up to speed, unable to piece together what he’s doing, what she’s supposed to do, dangerously empty. Her lips part for something to say, a question maybe, but no words come out.

But he’s already moving anyway, slipping off the bed and walking over to the room’s small bathroom, unashamedly naked, and returning a few moments later with a warm, damp washcloth. He smiles at her, almost fondly if she was able to process it, and wipes her stomach gently, nudging her legs apart with his left hand carefully and easing the cloth over her inner thighs, between her legs. It makes a shiver run down her spine, and her toes dig into the bed.

The softness of it adds to her confusion, and she finally pushes up onto her elbows to look at him, her body still moving frustratingly sluggishly. She’s not sure how she feels about what he’s doing, it’s… way too intimate. She’s never -

<“What the hell was that?”> Natalia finally manages to get out, torn between closing her legs and letting him continue, her voice too unsteady for her own liking.

<“What?”> His head darts up from where he’s been watching the movements of his hand, and his head cocks to the side.  

What, does he not feel like this was strange?

Natalia finally backs up against the headboard, withdrawing from his touch, even though it wasn’t… unpleasant. She pulls her legs towards her and just looks at him, tries to take everything in, read whatever she can from his face.

<“The…”> It’s so frustrating that she has to resort to gesticulating, but how can she even put this into words? <“Why did you do that?”>

<“Why did I pull out?”> _Now_ he looks confused, but not at the situation, like she is, but at _her_ , and that makes her more frustrated.

<“I - “> He stops for a second, chewing his lip, the familiar look she’s come to associate with him getting lost in thought falling over his face for a moment. Finally, he seems to settle on an answer.

<“I’ve always done it. So you don’t get pregnant.”>

Very matter-of-fact.

Oh. So no one’s told him -

They would have told him if he was supposed to sleep with her.

Okay. Natalia closes her mouth, still a little wary, not taking her eyes off him.

<“I don’t get pregnant.”>

<“You don’t?”>

He sits back on his heels, the washcloth forgotten in his hand.

<“Alright, that’s good to know.”>

She watches him closely, so curious how he seems unaffected, like that was completely _normal_.

<“I can - inside you? Next time? If you want?”>

Next time.

Natalia suddenly feels completely lost, and, shit, that’s _never_ happened before. The words also send a small tingle through her lower half, and she instinctively - subtly - pulls her legs closer to her.

<“I don’t get pregnant,”> is the only thing she can think of to say again. <“It’s what the others did too.”>

A shadow travels over his face for a moment.

<“You know this is different? From that?”>

He hits her worries from before dead on with that one. Natalia sucks in a soft, sharp breath, looks at him and… she believes him.

<“It… felt different,”> she admits slowly, carefully.

That makes him smile, that out-of-place, fond thing, and she’s not sure why, but she likes it.

<“It did?”>

It makes the corners of her mouth twitch upwards softly, just a little, and something inside her relaxes slowly that has been tense ever since they first touched on this bed.

<“Yes. That… thing at the end?”>

<“When you came?”>

His smile brightens a bit, and she’s hardly gotten used to seeing him do it, and now he’s spoiling her with these small, beaming, private ones.

Is this what it’s like, to want a boy’s attention, rather than have it without asking?

He falters for a moment, his brow furrowing slightly.

<“You did, right?“>

She did. She did? That’s what - God, she didn’t _know_ -

Natalia stops herself from awkwardly rubbing over her arms, briefly biting down on her lip.

<“I… yes…?”>

<“You’d know, if you -”>

Oh no.

His eyes fly open for a moment, and then he grins broadly at her, deadly pleased with himself, his eyes sparkling like she’s never seen them.

<“Wait, have you never -”>

Natalia isn’t sure why it happens, but the next thing that does happen is one of the pillows landing in his face.

Her face feels way too warm.

She can hear him laughing before he pushes it away, quietly so they won’t be heard but still there, still ringing out, a sound she’s heard only once or twice from him before. His right hand snaps out, gripping her ankle loosely, and before she can kick it away he’s pulled her back down to lie against the bed, covering her with his body when he hovers over her.

His smile fills her vision before he’s kissing her, still smiling against her mouth.

<“Then you should let me do it again, so you can get used to it.”>

How did this happen? Where’s the soldier she’s being trained by, where did _this man_ come from?

And yet it’s impossible to resist this pull, the way he draws her in just by how he kisses her. By how he laughs, _smiles_.

It suits him so well.

A small, soft shudder goes through Natalia’s body, and she kisses him back experimentally, wondering if he really means this. If that’s… possible.

<“You… again…?”>

<“As many times as you want,”> he says, kissing her again, pressing their bodies together, and he can’t be _serious_ -

<“Usually girls - twice? At least? Maybe more, if you want to try.”>

The sound that makes it over her lips, half silenced by the kiss, is slightly alarmed. He wants to do _what_ with her? That thing that just happened, again, multiple times?

<“What… about you…? Can you just -”>

He shrugs nonchalantly, leaning up to look at her. He looks - younger, somehow, not that she’s ever asked how old he was to begin with, not that it matters at all anyway.

<“I haven’t tried,”> he says simply, that faraway look crossing his face again for a moment. <“But we can, if you want.">

Natalia just looks up at him for a few long moments, trying to figure all of this out. Eventually she puts one hand on his chest and pushes him to the side so that she can sit up and look down at him instead, pursing her lips for a moment while she decides on what to say.

She needs to know more about this. Right now she thinks she’s never felt so unprepared, so clueless about anything.

<“Is that what people do?”>

He rolls onto his back, tucking his hands behind his head, and regards her curiously for a moment.

<“Does it matter?”>

She frowns at him.

<“I’m - I don’t care what _people do_ , I just want to know what _I’m_ doing here. I didn’t even know about - what this is supposed to feel like. What else don’t I know?”>

<“It’s supposed to feel good, that’s all,”> he offers, left arm stretching out to loop around her hips, pulling her closer. <“But I can tell you lots of things, if that’s what you want.”>

It still feels so strange, to be touched like this and find that she doesn’t mind. So Natalia doesn’t move away but keeps her gaze on him.

<“Okay. Tell me ‘lots of things’.”>

<“Well, you know how it works, that’s a start.”> Metal fingertips stroke over her hip lightly, and she shivers at the touch, still unsure in just about everything except that she likes it, likes _this_ very much. <“But - it’s supposed to be fun, with - somebody you like a lot.”> His eyes seek out hers again, and he looks unsure for the briefest of moments. <“You should trust them, too. Makes it better.”>

Natalia can feel her expression slipping for a moment, and she’s not quick enough to even it out again immediately, no matter how subtle it might have been.

Trust.

She lowers her gaze, looking at her fingers lying curled in her lap.

This is _real_ , she suddenly thinks, actively for the first time. She’s been too startled before, by everything that’s been happening, though of course it was obvious after her moment of complete vulnerability, that he was not, in fact, going to harm her.

<“I thought you might kill me,”> she finally hears herself confess quietly.

His arm slips from her hips, and for a single, terrifying second she regrets saying it.

<“I did, too,”> he replies, a whisper, his hand covering hers. It makes her look up at him again instantly, her heart squeezing, stumbling unexpectedly in her chest.

There are two ways to possibly understand that, and right now Natalia really isn’t sure which one he meant.

<“You - did they… tell you… or did you mean -”>

He looks surprised for a moment, and then it turns instantly to confusion, and panic, his eyes widening.

<“ _No_ \- I meant I -”> His fingers tighten around hers, tangling together. <“I meant _I_ was afraid that maybe _you_ were -”>

He looks scared, suddenly. She’s never seen that before, and just in that moment she thinks she doesn’t ever want to again.

<“Shit,”> Natalia whispers and then, entirely on instinct, shifts to lie down next to him, head leaned carefully against his shoulder. <“No. I thought this was a test, I just… wasn’t sure which way around.”>

His left arm circles around her, fitting her more closely to his side, the metal cool against her skin.

<“I wouldn’t have been allowed the privilege of a Widow,”> he says gravely, his voice softer than before. <“If they’d meant to test me, it wouldn’t have included that.”>

Natalia lowers her head. She’s angry suddenly, a burning kind of anger she’s not quite familiar with. But she takes care to swallow it down, maybe examine it later. Instead she presses just a little closer to him.

<“So… when you said ‘next time’…”>

His face brightens, and she starts for a moment when he presses his lips to her hair, the tenderness surprising.

<“Could have it now, if you wanted.”>

After that surge of anger she needs a moment to relax into this, but eventually, a small smile comes back to her lips and she tips her head back to look up at him.

Natalia can only imagine what this might be like without that fear in the back of her mind. When she might be able to relax into this right away.

<“I think I’d like that.”>

<“Yeah?”> He tucks his chin to look down at her, a smile coming back to his face. <“Maybe we should try something else first, see if you like it?”>

She raises her eyebrows at him questioningly. But she’s not nervous anymore, suddenly, after that brief but so vital exchange of information they just shared. And he’s been so good to her that first time that, now, she actually trusts him with this.

<“What’s something else?”>

<“Well - “> And he’s enjoying this, she can tell, recalling the look of triumph he’d worn earlier. <“Not just about - fucking, I can use my hands again, like before.”> His right hand comes to tip her chin up so he can meet her eyes, and she feels a flush coloring her face.

Damn it.

<“Or I can use my mouth?”> he offers simply.

What?

Natalia blinks, runs the words through her mind again. No, she did hear that right.

<“You - what?”>

<“You know, to make you come again.”> He says it like it’s the most natural thing in the world, his smile twisting up at the corners again. <“Feels good.”>

Well. Natalia knows, has learned at least that men like it when the women they’re with do it. But no one has ever said anything about that happening the other way around.

<“Do you…”> She licks over her lips quickly. <“Would you want to do that…?”>

It sounds doubtful, but maybe that’s just because she can’t imagine this to be something anyone would want to do. She was more than glad when she didn’t have to during her test.

<“I would,”> he replies simply, his thumb stroking gently over her jaw. <“If you’d like me to.”>

Natalia can only shrug slowly, but then follows it up with a soft, dry, almost amused huff. She keeps her eyes on his, the left corner of her mouth twitching upward a little.

<“Not like I know what I’m getting myself into here.”>

<“I’ll show you then,”> he offers, dropping his hand and reaching up to push himself away from the headboard a little, shifting down the bed. He takes the other pillow - the one she didn’t throw at him - and drops it off the bed before he looks at her again. <“Just - if you don’t like it, we’ll stop and try something else?”>

She just stares at him for a moment, because no one has ever - _ever_ \- said anything like this to her.

At first she doesn’t know what to do with it.

And then she leans closer again and kisses him, soft and tentative, but trying to convey all the gratefulness that she feels.

He makes a quiet noise, his hands coming up to frame her face, and kisses her again, holding her close and deepening it carefully.

She thought it was only going to be brief, but he’s not stopping right now, and Natalia finds she doesn’t want to either. The way he kisses -

There’s something to it, and it’s so much better than everything she’s ever known about this. More sincere. Like he’s kissing _her_ , and isn’t just… kissing.

She almost doesn’t want it to end at all, but he pulls away a few moments later, seeking out her eyes.

<“You want to try?”>

<"Yes.">

It comes without hesitation, without reservation this time. He said that this is better with trust, and she hopes -

Natalia hopes that he's starting to trust her. Because she's undeniably - foolishly? - starting to trust him.

He doesn’t reply for a moment, just smiles openly at her, and is she imagining that it looks affectionate?

<“Why don’t we -”> He seems to be coming to a decision about something, or maybe talking himself into it, but he finally shifts down the bed another few inches until they’re shoulder-to-shoulder, and what he says next sends another wave of confusion over her.

<“You should be on top,”> he reasons, patting the sheet next to his head. <“That way you can move away more easily, if you decide you don’t like it.”>

Her gaze goes from his hand to his eyes, and God, when is she going to stop being confused tonight? She's really not used to this and doesn't much care for it either.

<"How…?">

<“Sorry,”> he replies, still smiling, and leans over to kiss her again, a soft brush of lips. <“Up on your knees, over me. You can hold onto the headboard to balance.”>

Okay… well.

She can do this. Following instructions is easy.

So Natalia does what he says, slowly, and shifts towards her knees while her hands go to the headboard, and… oh. Something tumbles in her stomach. She has never felt so exposed before. But Natalia takes a resolute breath and stays where she is, glancing down at him.

His hands come up to palm the back of her thighs, nudging her forward gently.

<“Closer,”> he encourages her, thumbs stroking over her hips. <“So I can reach.”>

Her heart is starting to beat faster, but again she does what he tells her. She's… God. She could smother him like this effortlessly if she just clamped down her thighs now, and this is -

A first, faint brush of breath hits her, and she swallows soundlessly.

He turns his head minutely, pressing a kiss to her inner thigh, and _oh_ -

Natalia swallows dryly, her hands tightening on the edge of the headboard. This is - it’s _strange_ , but just that is -

<“Relax, Natalia,”> he breathes against her skin, his eyes flicking up to her face.

It's not so easy, but she tries. She does.

It works when she just closes her eyes. His presence between her thighs is still undeniable, but the darkness behind her lids makes it a bit more surreal for a moment, and Natalia breathes out slowly.

He seems to be satisfied, because he continues kissing over her thighs, nuzzling them, the scrape of his beard a sharp counterpoint to the soft, warm press of his lips. And he was right, it feels _good_ , really good, just this part, just -

The wet flick of his tongue over her opening, a long, slow drag up her slit, and Natalia lets out a surprised gasp, her eyes flying open again.

He does it again, and all her muscles down there tighten reflexively. This isn't like when he touched her with his fingers even though she thought that felt _great_. But this, now, is different, and when he continues, she can only stare ahead at the wall for a few long moments, trying to cope with this feeling.

A _whimper_ suddenly comes over her lips, and Natalia clamps her mouth shut in surprise.

She can feel him chuckling, muffled against her, and his hands come further up her thighs, palms resting on her backside, fingers digging in gently, nudging her closer to him. Another flick of his tongue, this time against the small, sensitive bud of skin just above her opening, and Natalia feels her whole body twitch, out of her control.

This is insane. It’s _scary_ , because she didn’t know her body was able to do these things. Another soft sound lodged deep in her throat escapes her despite her lips still being pressed tightly shut, and Natalia drapes her arms over the headboard, fingers digging into the wood as she tries to control her breathing.

Her body wants to press back down against him, wants more of this, a whole lot more. She tries not to move, but it doesn’t take more than two, three more flicks of his tongue against her and she realizes her hips are making these tiny, half-desperate motions.

He nudges her hips again, urging her on, and is - is that -

His tongue slides inside her, and Natalia's mouth finally falls open again.

She can’t even grasp a clear thought by now. It’s not just what he’s doing, the physical part of it, it’s the principle of it too. This is so - She doesn’t even know how to put it. So intimate, so -

Back in the Red Room, when they explained to them the possibility of satisfying men with their mouths, it somehow sounded like they liked it because it has something submissive to it, almost degrading, even. Maybe it’s why Natalia never even thought that men would do this in return.

But the way he does it, right now, doesn’t feel like this at all. Or at least _he_ doesn’t seem to feel that way. He really seems to be happy to do this, and it isn’t degrading for him, it’s more… worshipping her?

That alone is mind-boggling, sends a full body shudder through her, and before she knows it, a soft, raw cry sounds in the space between her and her arms.

He seems to be spurred on by the way she’s reacting, pressing his face more closely to her, hands still urging her on, and eventually she loses track of the sensations. Everything feels _so good_ , she wants all of it, chasing his tongue with another rock of her hips, and eventually she finally stops trying to hold it back, letting her hips grind down against his jaw.

And he _moans_.

It goes straight through her like lightning. She twitches against him, whimpers helplessly, pressure rapidly building in her gut that she desperately needs to ease and instinctively knows only will if she keeps going. His lips close over that nub of nerves again, and when he sucks on it, a wild, too loud moan comes over her lips and somehow her muscles start locking up.

This is stronger, more violent than earlier. The tip of his tongue starts massaging her with quick, strong flicks and her arms fall down from the headboard, her body curling up, wanting to get away from the sensation and closer at the same time, and Natalia is panting, letting out small cries, shuddering and twitching against him.

She’s not sure when, or why, but she realizes one of her hands has tangled in his hair, holding him close, and she’d be embarrassed except she’s not sure she can be _anything_ right now, her whole body still trembling, all her energy used up just to keep herself from falling backward. Vaguely, she can hear - no, _feel_ \- him grinning, his hands sliding slowly up to rest on her lower back, and she’s grateful for it, lets him hold her up.

Finally, at long last, her body starts to relax and she can breathe again, and she does so with a long shudder and a soft, small groan. It’s when she realizes that right now she _is_ nearly smothering him, and that, finally, spurs her body and mind into action again.

<“Oh God, I’m sorry,”> she gets out as she tries to quickly ease off him, to crawl off, but her legs are still quivering from hip to toe, and it’s not as easy as it should be.

His hands come up to grip her hips immediately, helping her ease back until she’s sitting on his chest, her thighs still shaking, and it’s - Didn’t they meet like this, back at their very first fight, the last test before Graduation? God, if she’d _known_ -

A helpless, hysterical laugh escapes her without her meaning to, and she tries to clamp down on it, but she _can’t_ , she feels too good, like she’s floating, and she thinks maybe she finally _gets it_ , that this must be why people like doing this.

Below her, his face still framed by her thighs, he drags the back of his hand over his mouth, and the sight makes something twitch deep inside her again.

<“Don’t be sorry,”> he smiles at her, and there’s no imagining the affection in it this time. <“That was amazing.”>

<“Really?”> A small, inappropriate laugh escapes her again, and she reaches up to draw a shaky hand through her hair, her heart doing strange jumps in her chest that feel quite different from when she’s just exercising or fighting. <“It _was_ , but - you think so?”>

<“Yes,”> he replies immediately, getting that look again, like he’s sort of perplexed by her surprise. <“You taste good,”> he offers, like that’s a normal answer, like it doesn’t make her mouth fall open in surprise, and his hands come up to rest lightly on her thighs. <“I liked doing it.”>

Natalia just looks at him for a long moment before she remembers to close her mouth. She hopes she’s not flushing, because even the smile on her lips is hard to keep in check right now.

It never occurred to her that someone might consider this as - well. Tasting good.

<“Thank you,”> she eventually says quietly, keeping her eyes on his, doesn’t really want to look away either. <“I feel like there’s a lot they haven’t properly told us about -”>

<"Don't need to thank me.">

He's positively beaming at her now, his palms rubbing over her thighs slowly, fingers pressing gently into the still-tense muscles.

<"Probably,"> he says, turning his head to kiss the inside of her knee. <"But I'll answer questions, if you have any.">

<“I have a lot,”> Natalia admits quietly, still unable to take her eyes off him. He looks so -

It feels like since coming here, she’s discovered an entirely new person that was buried somewhere underneath the Soldier, who is… gentle, and who smiles. She still has trouble wrapping her head around it, to see both that man and the deadly killer from before in the same person. But his eyes are so soft right now, so happy, that when she has the urge to reach out, she doesn’t stop herself.

Her fingers come to rest against his cheek where her thighs were earlier (and, God, she can still feel the light burn the stubble on his face has left there), and she brushes her thumb over his skin in a small, tentative caress.

<“I just don’t know where to start when I don’t know what else there is I have no idea about.”>

He leans into the touch immediately, chasing it, his eyes falling closed for a moment, and the soft hum he gives makes Natalia wonder if it's the same for him, if he's as unused to the gentleness of this as she is. It just makes her want to touch him more.

He's quiet for a few moments, nudging into her touch, but finally he opens his eyes, gazing up at her.

<"Start with a question. Any one.">

So Natalia thinks for a moment, attention divided between coming up with something to ask and the caress she decided to extend, fingers slowly brushing over his temple, his hair, down the side of his neck.

<“If I did this with you, what you just did with me,”> she finally settles on, searching his eyes, <“would that feel as good for you?”>

She feels him shiver below her, his head tipping back into her touches, and his voice is deeper when he replies.

<"Yes.">

Natalia takes a deep, quiet breath.

Okay. So maybe she’s not all that opposed to doing this anymore… with him at least.

<Would you want me to?”>

He opens his eyes again, his left hand leaving her thigh to take her hand, holding it gently.

<"I would, but I don't expect you to.">

She can’t help smiling now, and if anything, this makes her want to do it more. Holding his hand feels pretty nice too.

<“If I want to try…?”>

<"I'll let you do whatever you want,"> he replies simply, lacing their fingers together carefully.

Her gaze rests on their joined hands for a few long moments, something warming in her chest.

<“Where did you learn?”> she eventually wants to know.

He's looking at their hands, too, she notices. And he opens his mouth to answer her, but nothing comes out, and he's silent for a few long moments until his eyes find her face again, a small crease between his brows.

<"I don't remember.">

Her heart sinks a little, and Natalia thinks she should have known that. It’s something she has noticed since he started training her: it’s fine as long as it’s something concerning what he teaches her, or about the missions, but the personal stuff…

To tell him she’s sorry for confronting him with this, she takes his hand with both of hers and pulls it up to press a kiss against his knuckles.

<“You’re going to have to teach me.”>

His eyes drop to her lips, to where she’s just kissed him, watching her, and there's a small measure of disbelief in them. Natalia isn't sure why. Is it because of the arm? Because of the metal, or simply because he doesn't expect to be treated gently at all?

She'd understand, if it was the latter.

But soon a smile lights up his face again, a little wolfish, chasing the shadow away.

<"We already know I’m good at that.">

It brings the smile back to her own face, a grin rather, small but relieved.

<“Yes you are.”>

That feeling of unease that always accompanied the thought of doing this is gone now. Maybe - probably - it’s just _him_ , the way he treats her that’s just different, and that she _likes_ his body, feels comfortable with it and drawn to it. And if he actually liked doing that, maybe she could too?

His right arm comes to loop around her hips, lifting her off his chest carefully, and he settles her down to sit by his side instead. But as soon as she has, he reaches for her hand again, with his flesh-and-blood hand this time, tangling their fingers together immediately.

<"You don't have to,"> he reminds her, hand squeezing hers gently. <"Is there anything you're curious about?">

Maybe this is it… what it’s about, what makes her so okay with this.

She feels safe with him. Absurdly maybe, and too quickly after such a short amount of time, and she’s not supposed to feel safe, ever, she knows that.

But she does. Like he _hears_ her, like what she might have to say to him matters.

Natalia squeezes his hand back.

<“Other things. Not this in particular, I think. Just… can you talk to me? Tell me what I’m doing?”>

<"Sure."> He pushes himself up on his elbow, leaning up to brush his lips against hers. The movement does wonderful things for his body, drawing the muscles of his stomach tighter, calling attention to the V of his hips, and she notices when he pulls away that he's already mostly hard again. <"Now? Or - during?">

She wonders if she should touch him.

She wants to.

<“Both?”> she replies hopefully, dragging her eyes up to his face again. Without waiting for his reply, she shifts to the side of the bed and draws him with her by his hand. The pillows are still down on the floor, and after a brief moment’s consideration, Natalia pushes them together right next to the bed. Then she reaches for him again, arranging him so that he’s sitting on the edge of the mattress just above. Then she flicks her hair back over her shoulder and kneels down comfortably on the pillows between his legs.

It brings her very suddenly very close to his erection, but the only thing it does is make her grin a little and look up at him.

<“Like this?”>

His cheeks flush, and he licks his lips, his eyes darkening a little as he looks at her.

<”You don't - have to be down there, you could've stayed -”>

<“I know,”> Natalia says, and that’s the thing, she _does_ , and that’s what makes this okay. And she has thought about it, and genuinely decided this seemed like the most comfortable option to her.

She places her hands on his thighs, gently, thumbs brushing over the skin, but then her gaze returns to his eyes.

<“This just seemed - If you’re okay with this, I’m okay with it.”>

He swallows, his hands coming to cover hers immediately.

<"Alright.">

And just like that, he accepts her choice, and respects it. It's such an unfamiliar situation, but the certainty of it is exhilarating.

<”We should - before you start -”> He sounds slightly unsure, almost nervous if she had to guess, but it doesn't show on his face. <"Should decide what you'd like to do, when I come,"> he finishes, his left hand coming to cup her cheek, the smooth metal cool against her skin. She likes how it feels, very much. Maybe she should tell him. <”It doesn't - it's not entirely pleasant, not like -” he stumbles for a moment. <"Not like you.">

The compliment is thrilling, and Natasha smiles a little, nudging her cheek against his hand in reply, wonderfully cool.

<"Alright?"> she says, watching him curiously. Is there really such a big difference? <"What would you suggest?">

His thumb strokes over her cheekbone gently, and he holds her eyes, smiling.

<"I can tell you, when I get close, and you can just pull away and finish with your hands, if you want?">

He shifts subtly, his thighs flexing under her hands, and Natalia finds her gaze slipping down his stomach again, coming to rest in his lap.

<”Or you can - spit it out, or - swallow it, or - you can stop and I can finish myself, too, whatever you think you want to -”>

There’s this warm, fluttery feeling again, just because he’s giving her all these options, even though she has to laugh a little, glancing back up. Her hands shift under his to entwine their fingers.

<“Spit it out? Really?”>

<"Really,"> he chuckles, eyes dropping down to their hands. <"Whatever you want to do.">

<“Okay.”>

She continues watching him for a moment longer, just because he seems so fascinated by their hands. The smile widens on her lips again as she thinks that she can surely redirect his attention easily.

So she leans forward without waiting for him, curious enough on her own now, and touches her lips to the side of his erection, feeling heated, velvet skin.

He makes a surprised sort of huff, his hand tightening around hers for a moment.

<"You don't take so kindly to talking when you could be doing, I can't believe I forgot that,"> he says, his hand slipping from her cheek to slide gently into her hair. <"That's nice.">

Natalia hums a little in wordless, amused acknowledgement and experimentally lets the tip of her tongue slide over a vein running up the side. She knows he cleaned himself earlier too, with that warm-watered cloth, so this doesn’t taste like much of anything, just… very faintly salty, maybe? Just like skin.

This is very easy so far, just letting her lips, her tongue slide over his shaft, so this is what she continues doing for a while, listening for him, delighted when he lets out a few more small noises of pleasure, his fingers still combing gently through her hair.

He lifts their tangled fingers from his thigh and guides her hand between his legs, leading her to palm the soft skin of his balls before he drops his hand away again, leaning back on it.

<"Gently,"> he says when her eyes drop from his face back to where he led her, and so that’s what she does.

It’s a curious feeling, how they rest against her palm, but she likes it. She caresses them slowly, distracting herself with it until she remembers what else she was doing, and goes back to pressing kisses up his cock at the same time. So far she’s stayed clear of the head, but that’s what she goes for next, logically, giving it an experimental lick.

That drives another noise from him, deeper in his chest, midway between a groan and a gasp, and his fingers tighten in her hair for the briefest of moments.

<“You can -”> His voice hitches, and his right hand comes up to wrap around himself loosely, easing back the thin sleeve of skin. <”Easier, maybe, for you -”>

Natalia makes a soft, gently amused sound as she watches, and immediately feels the urge to do that herself. So she glances back up at him briefly, and then gently shoos his hand away. Curiously she lets her fingertip brush along the rim before softly, carefully repeating what he just did.

<“Does that feel better too?”>

He leans back on his right hand again, the left coming to smooth her hair back away from her forehead, and he smiles warmly at her.

<"It does."> His cock twitches heavily in her hand, and he bites his lip. <“What's so funny, anyway -”>

<“It looks funny,”> she can’t help answering with a small laugh and bites down on it immediately after, but when she looks up at him again, another laugh escapes her. <“I’m sorry, I just - Don’t you think?”>

She does it again, then, just to make a point, gently rolling the skin back and forth.

She notices that his hips cant up into her touches, but he lets out a low laugh too, beaming down at her, and Natalia wonders if he feels this too, if it's deep and warm inside his chest as well.

<"They're not the most photogenic of organs, you're right about that,"> he smiles, taking a deep breath. <"But you could do that a bit faster -”>

<“Oh?”>

So much more self-confident about what she’s doing already, Natalia draws her eyebrow up at him, smirking gently even while she does as he asks.

<“But I thought the point was to use my mouth, not my hand…?”>

<"Then don't be a tease,"> comes his reply, soft around the edges and still colored with his smile. <"You can do both, just put your mouth on the head first, when you're ready."> His left hand slips from her hair, then, fingertips trailing over her cheek before he rests it on the bed. <"I won't push you.">

In that moment she thinks he’s the sweetest person she’s ever met, and isn’t that something no one would ever believe her…

<“Okay,”> she says and gives him a smile before finally redirecting her attention again.

After all of this it’s not really difficult anymore. She rolls the skin back again and leans close, first licking her own lips, and then putting them around the tip of his erection. This does feel different, and curious, but she grows used to it quickly, carefully, instinctively getting her teeth out of the way like she’d do with a… very large lollipop.

The thought almost makes her choke out another laugh.

His head tips back, a pleased sort of huff leaving him, along with a few well-chosen curses in English, including one he hasn't taught her yet, which makes her absurdly proud. His left hand tightens in the duvet, fingers twisting the fabric, and she takes that to mean she's doing well.

As he told her to do, she’s soon adding her hand to it, slowly stroking up and down, careful not to rub too hard over the skin. And she remembers how he went about it with her, and so she brings out the tip of her tongue to swirl around the head before starting to suck gently and, okay, yeah, this _does_ taste different now…

<"Christ, Natalia -”> His stomach tenses, his left hand jerking up before he forces it back to the bed again.

It surprises her a little, the force of his reaction. Then again though, if it really is anything like what she felt earlier, then she shouldn’t be surprised at all, only happy that she seems to do the right things, just like he did with her. It makes her grin, and she has to pull back for a moment, though she keeps stroking him with her hand.

<“Good, then?”>

He groans softly, his left hand coming up again to cup her cheek, his thumb stroking over her bottom lip once.

<"Very,"> he beams at her. <"What do you think? You're alright?">

She nods into his hand, smiling back. <“I like seeing you like this.”>

<"You're doing a very good job,"> he replies, smoothing her hair back from her forehead again, and her smile widens.

That he touches her so gently with that metal hand is something she’s pretty sure she’ll love forever from this day onwards.

<“Mmh… not done yet.”>

With that she leans back in, wraps her lips around him again, and goes back to what she was doing. Sucking and licking at him, her hand stroking over him where she can’t reach. It’s curiosity, mostly, that makes her go a little deeper, just to see what it’s like, if that’s something she can do.

He lets out a choked sound, his hand coming to rest gently on her shoulder.

<"Careful, dear one -”>

Natalia can't help but look up at him, curious if he's aware what he just called her, if he _meant it_ , and she sees that his cheeks are flushed.

<"I'm sorry -”>

Her heart is suddenly beating way too quickly in her chest.

Natalia lets him slip from her lips again, eyes fixed on him, and she can’t help it, doesn’t want to, doesn’t feel ashamed for asking -

<“Can you… do that again…?”>

He lets out a deep, deep breath, almost like he's been holding it, and his hand finds her cheek again.

<"Precious one,"> he says immediately, no trace of hesitation, his thumb brushing softly over her cheekbone. <"That's alright?">

<“Yes,”> she says, and it sounds breathless and feels weak, but no other person has ever made her feel so good, simply with… with that.

Natalia swallows hard and then, to distract him and herself, takes him into her mouth again, mindful of his previous warning.

Careful. Easy.

And it works, because he doesn't speak again for a while, but his left hand makes its way into her hair once again, gently, stroking softly, none of the rough pushing or insistence she'd been told to expect, and it makes her want to do it well, makes her want to please him even more, because he's not demanding it of her, because he doesn't seem in the least bit like he feels entitled to it.

<"That's perfect,"> he gasps out later, his voice hoarse. <"You're doing so -”> His voice catches, dissolving into a groan. <"S-so good -”>

It makes her proud in a different way than winning a fight does, or excelling in one of her Red Room lessons always did. It’s more -

If she had to compare it to anything, it would be those three times when she danced in Moscow in front of a large crowd, that feeling of elation.

She lets her eyes drift shut and concentrates only on what she’s doing, what she’s feeling. He’s resting hard and heavy against her tongue, and she’s gotten used to the way it tastes now. Her other hand, that’s been resting on his thigh again for a while, comes down again blindly to cradle his balls against her fingers, and she lets her mouth inch down again just a tiny bit.

"Oh," he huffs out, almost a surprised sound, and his voice sounds strained when he finally forms words. <"Just - hollow your cheeks for me, darling, just a bit more -”>

She does, instinctively, but the thing that really takes her off guard again is the endearment. It makes her heart jump, sends a soft shiver down her spine, and without her conscious doing she lets out a soft, grateful hum. And if his reaction is any indication, he can feel it, another curse slipping from him. His hips rock up, seemingly of their own accord, and he _whines_ , his hand dropping from her hair to her shoulder again, tapping gently, erratically.

<"Natalia - dear one, don't - I'm - y-you should pull away, darling, if you don't -”>

To her own surprise she’s panting softly when she does pull away, sitting up a little straighter, but her hand keeps going, stroking him. And then she reaches up on a whim, free hand on the back of his neck to pull him down so that she can kiss him, not even thinking about what she’s doing.

He groans into it, kissing her deeply, and his hands spring up to frame her face, holding her close to him, pressing their foreheads together. Another deep, shaking sound slips from him, and then his hips jerk up into her hand and he's coming, deadly quiet as he spills warm and white over her hand and his stomach.

It's _amazing_.

Natalia can’t stop watching him, even when his release stopped painting their skin. He’s just - He’s beautiful like this, there’s no other word for it, and this is maybe the best thing she’s ever done.

He kisses her again, almost immediately, and she can't help sighing into it, hoping it won't ever end.

It does, sadly, after a few long moments, but he doesn't move too far, touching his forehead to hers again.

She'd be very happy to have him look at her the way he is right now _forever_.

<"You are incredible.">

Natalia knows she’s beaming at him, and she can understand it now, she _knows_ why he said he’d like doing this for her. She’d do it again for him in a heartbeat, having proved herself wrong on all her previous misgivings.

Though at the same time she can’t imagine ever doing this for anyone _else_ either.

But maybe she doesn’t have to. Technically, since she’s graduated, no one can come and tell her to do anything like that, and even when she might, at some point, have to seduce someone again as part of a mission the way her training prepared her, she doesn’t have to do _this_.

This can be _his_.

<“I really liked that.”>

God, the way he grins at her.

<"You did? Really?">

It makes her laugh, his grin infectious, and she finally shifts away again a little, relaxing on her pillows.

<“Yes. A little strange, but… yes, I really liked that.”>

Speaking of strange…

Her gaze falls down to her hand, to the white, sticky drops on her skin, and she raises it to her mouth and licks one up, trying to find out if it’s really not pleasant like he said it might.

She can feel the heat of his gaze on her before she even registers the helpless groan that leaves him, frozen halfway toward reaching for the cloth he'd abandoned on the bed.

Mmhh. Interesting.

Natalia smirks up at him.

<“Really?”>

<"What -”>

<“You like it when I do this?”>

To demonstrate, she licks up some more from her forefinger.

"Goddamn," he says, lowly, abandoning his search for the cloth and dragging his hand down his face, like he can't quite believe what she's doing.

<"I can't - explain it, it's just -”> he makes a helpless, frustrated sort of noise, and before she knows what's happening he's reaching down and hauling her bodily up into his lap, stealing a deep kiss.

She’s laughing into it, giggling almost, and she feels ridiculous, but so good that she doesn’t even think about stopping. She simply curls up sideways on his lap, deeply happy, and lets him hold her while they kiss.

And he seems happy to do just that, his arms looping around her, holding her to his chest, and she loses track of time, unsure of how long they spend just kissing, nuzzling each other, smiling against one another's lips.

She doesn't care.


	2. Chapter 2

Eventually - Natalia’s not actually sure how much later, no matter how well she can usually keep her time - their kisses wear off, their foreheads simply resting together contentedly.

It’s when she shifts that she scrunches up her nose and glances down.

The come that was on his stomach has smeared over her side, and both that and what was still left on her hand have started to dry.

<“Okay, you can clean  _ that  _ off…”>

He just chuckles warmly in reply, his arm coming to hook under her knees and then he's standing up, walking them toward the room's small bathroom and nudging the door open. 

<"Have a better idea.">

<“Oh. Well. Okay.”>

She’s grinning, and there has never been a man who she’d want to be carried by like this, or in any way at all. But this is good, and so she simply puts her head on his shoulder even if it’s just for a few moments, smiling to herself.

<“Seriously though, why did you say this whole…”> she waves her hand a little, <“would taste unpleasant?”>

<"Doesn't it?"> He settles her down to sit on the edge of the small counter by the sink, resting his hands on either side of her hips. <"I mean, I guess I always just assumed that it wasn't -">

<“Have you ever  _ tried  _ it?”> she wants to know, the corners of her mouth twitching.

<"Well, no, but -">

A laugh bursts out of her, and she shakes her head at him.

<“I’d make you, if this wasn’t half dry already,”> she grins, briefly holding her hand up. <“It was just… warm and salty. Better than the grub they served us for breakfast back in the Red Room, if you ask me,”> Natalia adds with an eyeroll and half a smirk.

He smirks back, leaning in closer, and she can't deny that the twist of lips just - does something to her, deep in her gut. 

<"I'll have to give you another opportunity, then."> He presses it against her lips, nudging closer to stand between her thighs.

Oh, she’s not opposed to that. Not at all.

Her smirk widens even while she slips her feet around his thighs.

<“I thought of another question.”>

<"Oh?"> He pulls away to nose gently at her jaw, obviously not in any hurry. <"Go ahead.">

It sends a shiver through her, and she bites down on her grin for a moment before she starts laughing again in pure delight.

This is so unlike her, how is this even happening?

<“You said something earlier about girls being able to come twice, or more? What about guys then?”>

His lips brush over the corner of her jaw, and she can't help but look down between them, seeing that maybe his answer is already obvious. 

<"I don't know,"> he says against her neck, mouthing softly over her skin. <"But I'm not done yet, don't know if I get  _ done  _ or -">

She shudders again, but this time for an entirely different reason, her breath hitching softly.

<“Let me… let me wash, I want to touch you…”>

<"Easy -">

He pulls away, reluctantly if she had to guess, and steps over to turn on the shower. Natalia takes a moment just to watch him move, admiring his body openly, staying in her seat on the counter. 

Hopeful that he'll come and retrieve her.

And he does, immediately, smiling at her lazily before he insinuates himself between her thighs again and scoops her up, nudging her legs to loop around him and stepping them both into the shower.

Natalia smiles back at him, holding herself up easily, and the first thing she does, her arms hooked over his shoulder, is to wash her hands in the stream of the water. Then, finally, she wraps her arms around his shoulders, slips her hand into his hair and kisses him while the water wets the strands of hair falling down her back and starts running over their faces.

He doesn't break their kiss, stealing another, and another, but he does loop his left arm underneath her hips to hold her up more easily, his right coming to stroke gently over her side, cleaning her carefully.

She could do this for hours.

It’s not exactly a startling realization, not after the time they spent in this hotel room together now. Natalia doesn’t even know why she feels so addicted to this already. She shouldn’t care about any of the things they did. The last thing she should ever do is get emotionally involved. She needs to be able to belong everywhere, fit in everywhere, be there and gone again, so she can’t belong  _ to _ something.

Or someone.

God forbid, never to someone.

It scares her for a moment, but it only makes her kiss him harder, press closer to him, hold on to him more tightly.

He doesn't seem to want to put her down, and she doesn't want him to. She breathes against his lips, letting her head fall back into the spray when he moves to nuzzle at her neck again.

She keeps losing time; they could be hours, just standing beneath the warm cascade of water, kissing and sharing sighs, and she wouldn't know. The only time she's keeping right now is their heartbeats, listening intently to his as they're pressed together, and she's so lost in it that she can't even think of holding back the gasp that tumbles from her when he grinds his hips up against hers.

And, God, she wants him there again. Wants to be able to just close her eyes, lean back, relax, know that he’s taking care of things, of  _ her _ , and not worry about anything at all.

Right now she can only imagine how good that would feel.

<“Yes,”> she hears herself sigh into their kiss even above the rush of the water, hips tilting towards him. <“God, yes…”>

He takes two steps, and then her back bumps against the cool tiles of the shower's wall, driving a soft noise of surprise from her. Another deep, slow kiss, and she feels him negotiating, even though her eyes are closed, and God,  _ yes  _ \- 

Two fingers press against her, stroking gently over her opening, and  _ what _ , that's not -

Natalia finally pries her eyes open to look at him, taking in the damp waves of his hair.

<“W-what are you doing?”> she gasps out, having a brief flashback to the first time he’s done this, maybe… what, two hours ago now? But why his fingers, why doesn’t he -

He shushes her, sliding his fingers inside her slowly, pressing a grin against her neck. 

"Not just taking you, need to know you're ready for me again," he replies, crooking his fingers to stroke over a place deep inside her that makes sparks dance up her spine. 

But then he pulls away for a moment, fixing his gaze on her face. 

"Do you really not like it?"

Natalia swallows, her breathing unsteady again. The change of language throws her for a moment, and she just stares at him, trying to figure out what to say.

That’s not it. Not that she doesn’t like it. What he does feels good,  _ amazing _ , it was just so overwhelming before.

But since then he’s made her come twice, and it was okay, it was alright for her after all to let go.

He’s earned that bit of trust.

“It… feels good? But how - when am I ready?”

She wants to curse herself because she’s stumbling over the English words, and they don’t feel adequate, make her feel so damn clueless and vulnerable.

"Hey, sugar - easy -" He leans in to kiss her, softly, keeping his hand still for a moment. <"You just - need to be open enough, so it doesn't hurt?">

Natasha needs to close her eyes. She has to so that she can keep herself in check, her head sinking back against the tiles, her fingers tightening on his shoulders.

_ Open enough, so it doesn’t hurt. _

<“I… wasn’t, last time…?”>

<"Natalia -"> He withdraws his hand, looping his arm around her waist instead. <"What's wrong, hey -">

<“No, just - tell me.”> She opens her eyes again to look into his, clenches her jaw, takes a deep breath. <“Tell me honestly. How is this supposed to go, really?”>

For a moment, he looks very sad about something, but schools his features admirably quickly before leaning in to kiss her forehead, a soft, careful gesture. 

<"You mean how people do it when they mean it?">

Her eyes are stinging. No, God, no.

Through sheer force of will Natalia pushes all of that down again, keeps her breaths small and flat. It works, but she still doesn’t get out more than a quiet, <“Yes.”>

He keeps his lips pressed to her forehead for a long moment, arms holding her close, the only sound the rhythm of the water against the tiles. 

"I would - kiss you, first, and undress you slowly, take my time with every bit of clothing, so I can look at how beautiful you are," he says, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek.

"And then I'd ask you to help me, and once we were both undressed we would lie down, and I'd want to keep kissing you, but only if that was what you wanted."

Another kiss, her temple this time. 

"And then we would be touching, slowly, and I'd want to kiss you everywhere, your whole body, until I had to stop because you needed me to touch you, and I would."

He tucks his face into the crook of her neck, the words ghosting over her skin. 

"I'd like it, for you to come first, from my mouth and my hands, but I'd understand if you didn't want to, if you just wanted me to take you right up, to  _ almost  _ -"

He sighs, and it sounds wistful. 

"And  _ then  _ I would want to be inside you. And then we do it like we mean it, very much, and you let me hold you after, like this."

A beat of silence. 

"That's how I want to do it."

Natalia’s glad for the shower rain now.

She slowly wraps her arms back around his shoulders again, curling around him with her whole body, and hides her face in his hair. There’s not a sound coming from her, and she can’t say anything, so for a while there’s nothing but the rush of water.

And then, finally, quietly, “Can we do that?”

He doesn't lift his head from her shoulder, just presses his lips to the side of her neck. 

"Any time you want."

“Now. Right now.”

It’s out in a heartbeat, immediately. Natalia presses her lips together and hooks her chin over his shoulder, a small smile flickering over her features.

“Just without the undressing, I guess.”

He huffs a laugh against her neck, and she can feel the curve of his smile. 

"Let's finish up here, then."

“Let me down?”

Natalia finds herself set back gently onto her own two feet immediately, and now she can smile at him. The shower comes with a small bottle of shower gel that she has learned aren’t uncommon the better the hotel is, and it’s enough for her to give herself a quick wash with it.

She just wants the nice smell on her skin, takes advantage of this whenever she can after years and years of soap that smelled of nothing.

He stands behind her, pressed close against her back, his fingers stroking gently over her waist. Waiting patiently.

It keeps reminding her body of what they’ve committed to doing after.

“What about you?” she asks eventually, glancing at him over her shoulder.

He takes advantage of the moment, ducking down to steal another kiss. 

"I'll take some soap, if there's any left -"

“Of course there’s left,” she smiles wryly and passes the small bottle to him.

He takes it and empties the bottle into his palm, and it's - 

Where she'd hurried, he seems to luxuriate in it, taking care to wash himself thoroughly, head tipped up to the stream of water. She notices how gently he soaps his skin, almost indulgent, and when he catches her eye as he steps more fully under the water, he almost looks sheepish.

Natalia quickly reaches for his wrist, instinctively almost, and steps closer.

Well. One more thing she has to keep in mind that she wants to do next time instead of leaving it to him.

But at least she can still do this. After a long glance exchanged with him to see if this is okay, and a smile when it seems to be, she reaches up, lets her hands glide over his shoulders to wash the soap off. And she mirrors him, doesn’t hurry about it, keeps her touches soft and indulgent just like he did.

The way something tingles low in her gut when she washes off his chest is just a bonus.

He presses into her hands, shivers chasing her touches over his skin, and she's not quite surprised when a small hum of pleasure escapes him. 

Vaguely, intrusively, she wonders how long it's been since he's been allowed the comfort of a hot, unhurried shower. 

His hands reach out to rest low on her hips, thumbs stroking gently over her skin, but his eyes stay closed until she finishes, water tangling in his lashes, his hair water-dark and sticking to his cheeks.

Instead of turning it off, Natalia steps closer to him, right into his personal space, and tucks herself under his chin.

This is scary. The way she feels about this, about him, the way it makes her heart wide in her chest, how she doesn’t even want to leave the hotel room again.

There’s a world out there that was different before she entered these rooms, but that will be the same when she leaves it, even though she won’t. And she doesn’t know what to do with that.

But for now, she’s still here, and he’s still here, and they can have all of these impossible things that feel so achingly good.

His arms encircle her immediately, and they don't talk for a very, very long time. 

It feels like an exhale.

At some point Natalia pulls away again and they give each other a smile, soft and intimate, before finally exiting the shower. She's closer to the towels so she hands him one and starts drying herself off, first hair, then body, then hair again, wrapping the towel around her head so that it can soak up the rest of the water.

He chuckles, imitating her, wrapping his own haphazardly around his head and looking at her with an absurdly proud smile on his face. 

At least until it slips down and covers his face.

Natalia stares at him, and then she breaks into laughter. And it's not a normal kind of laugh because she  _ can't stop _ , it's ridiculous and beautiful because  _ he's  _ ridiculous and beautiful, and for all the ways she has learned to read people, she never expected this. He surprises her in every way and  _ keeps doing it _ , in all the best ways.

He sputters for a moment, disentangling himself, and when he pulls the towel away he's grinning, brilliant and beaming and then he's pulling at her hand, and the next thing she knows they're toppling back into bed, and no one's laughing for a while because they're so, so busy kissing the breath from each other's lips.

Her towel has gone missing at some point, and so the strands of her still damp hair are tangling everywhere around them, but Natalia doesn't care. The pillows are wet by now but she cares even less about that. Everything that matters is his mouth and the way his body is pressed against hers, the way his arms have her encircled as though he never plans on letting go again.

It's even better than it was before, because she's fully  _ here  _ now, not worrying, her mind not focused on anything but him, discovering what he likes, what they  _ both  _ like. 

She closes her teeth over his earlobe gently, and earns a whine, but she's distracted immediately when the palm of his right hand slides over one of her breasts, another bright grin filling her vision.

Oh God she likes this, she  _ really likes this _ .

Natalia finds herself pushing back against his hand, moaning softly, greedily, and somehow his thigh has slipped between her legs and she shifts closer, rubs against him, and like this her own thigh presses against his crotch.

Technically it’s not that different from what they did the first time, but, oh, it  _ is _ . Somehow they have banded together through this, have become allies in a way that they sure as hell weren’t meant to, because this is being allies against the whole world out there, including those who -

Those they’re meant to belong to.

He pulls away from another kiss, both hands at her breasts now, stroking her, and god -

That wicked, perfect tongue, flicking over her pulse, he's  _ everywhere _ , kissing every bit of her like he's promised. He kisses a blazing path down her chest, the scrape of stubble between her breasts soothed by open-mouthed kisses, more caresses of his hands, his tongue, and when his teeth close gently over one of her nipples, Natalia thinks if she concentrated, just watched him, she could come just like this.

He presses his thigh against her, grinding, and his eyes are blown dark when he looks up at her. 

Entranced.

He really meant everything he said to her, and that alone takes her breath away.

Natalia reaches for him with both hands, cradles his face, and there’s so much affection in her touch when she brushes her thumbs over his cheekbones, so much gratefulness and wonder about having discovered this, because of him. She’s always scoffed when she heard how people get ridiculous about these things but -

How can you not?

Just the way he  _ looks  _ at her is -

His hands stroke down her sides, fingertips trailing over her hips, and his right slips between them again. 

<"Yes?"> he asks, his eyes hot on hers, that wolfish twist to his smile back once again.

It sends a jolt through her.

Natalia just takes a breath and then smiles crookedly back at him. <“Oh, absolutely. Do go on.”>

That makes him laugh, and he presses it against her lips, easing his thigh back so he can stroke two fingers over her, sliding them slowly inside. 

<"You're beautiful,"> he whispers, lips brushing over her jaw, and then his hand starts to move, his fingers crooking deeply inside her once again.

He draws a gasp from her, and it feels like all her muscles tighten in reply, like her whole body decided to listen only to him for now. Natalia reaches up to steady herself with one hand on his shoulder, nuzzling her face against him.

<“You too,”> she offers in return, quiet and almost a little shy, but true.

He presses a smile against her neck, and from the corner of her eye it looks - young, sweet, flattered, even, like he hasn't heard that before, or often. She can even feel him beaming against her skin when he replies.

<"Thank you.">

Soft, like the kisses he dusts over her shoulder, like the stroke of his thumb over the bud of nerves just above her opening, like the brush of metal fingers through the damp waves of her hair. 

The last thought she has for a long while, is whether she ever really knew  _ him  _ at all, before tonight.

Or if anyone does at all.

He keeps his word, and Natalia keeps her promise to herself and just lets go. For a while she simply has her eyes closed and enjoys everything he does, her legs parted shamelessly for him, for his fingers, his thumb stroking her unhurriedly, and this time she doesn’t shy away from the feeling because she knows where it will lead, and that it will be okay.

She doesn’t let herself become loud enough that people next door could hear, but whenever he does something she really likes, she lets him know, with soft moans and sighs, with a quiet “Oh,  _ yes _ ” here and there.

Eventually, he works his way down her body, dropping kisses over her ribs, stopping to nip gently at the edges of her hipbones as he slides a third finger inside her, slow and gentle, filling her up in the most delicious way. She lets her eyes drift down to watch him as he settles on his stomach between her spread thighs, and she finds him watching her, holding her gaze as he mouths over the mottled red marks his stubble has left on her thighs, his fingers thrusting into her gently.

She whimpers quietly, fisting her hands into the pillow her head is resting on.

<“Can - didn’t you -”> Her words don’t quite come out right, and she has to take a long, shuddering breath before she can try again. <“Am I ready?”>

<"What do you think?"> he counters, grinning before he leans in to suck a small bruise into the skin of her inner thigh, nosing gently at the mark he leaves. <"Do you want me to keep going? Or do you want me to stop and do something else?">

Natalia finds she has trouble concentrating entirely on his words, her body brimming with that slowly mounting energy again, but she puts in a valiant effort.

<“What - else?”>

He pushes up again, a bit more, pressing a gentle kiss against her, and then he looks up at her face, smiling indulgently.  

<"Do you want to come like this, now? Or do you want me inside you first?">

<“ _ No _ , I want - you,”> she replies quickly, not even having to think about that one. That feeling was amazing the first time around, and she can only imagine that it will be even better this time. And she already came with his tongue on her last time, this time she wants -

<“Inside me. Want you to come inside me too.”>

She watches his eyes darken, a low, rough sound escaping him, and he slips his fingers from her immediately, crawling up her body to fit them together.

Natalia welcomes him with open arms, literally, smiling at him as she draws him in for a kiss and her legs slip around his hips.

The feeling of him pressed up against her body is  _ incredible _ , she hasn't even given herself time to fully appreciate it before, to enjoy how  _ big  _ he is, surrounding her, warm and  _ everywhere _ . He rolls his hips down, slowly against hers, dragging his length through her folds, slick and  _ almost  _ perfect, she just needs -

So she reaches down and takes him in hand, searching for his gaze as she brings him close, positions him right up against her.

She  _ knows  _ he’s not going to say no or change his mind, that he really, really wants this too, but she can’t get enough of that look on his face. Just a bit of pressure of her feet against the back of his thighs is enough and his head slides in, effortless, God,  _ so easy _ , and she knows there’s awe on her face as she watches him with wide eyes and parted lips.

He looks - 

_ Amazed _ , it's beautiful, and she doesn't even have to pull him close before he's leaning down to kiss her, humming into it as he slowly sinks inside her, dragging out the movement for a delicious, delirious moment. 

Once he's seated inside her, as close as they can be, he pulls away just enough to kiss her cheek, a soft brush of lips, his hips still and pressed to hers. 

<"How's that, my darling -">

<“ _ Yes _ ,”> she just breathes, and then realizes that the answer doesn’t entirely fit the question. So she laughs quietly, softly, bites down on her lower lip because she can feel herself flushing a little. <“So good. Oh -”>

He kisses the laugh from her lips, rocking gently into her, clearly not in any hurry except to keep kissing her. 

<" _ You _ feel good,"> he whispers, his left hand trailing over her thigh. <"See the difference?">

It couldn’t have been more obvious to her. Natalia still can’t stop looking at him, and she only nods, that ridiculous feeling in her chest getting worse.

Is this  _ love _ , she suddenly wonders somewhat detachedly as she reaches down to put both her hands on his hips and simply marvels at the feeling of him between her legs, so deeply inside her. But love… Love is a naive myth spun because people need to chase some ideal.  _ That  _ kind of love at least, the one the media dangles in front of people’s faces.

No, she knows better than that.

But the feeling of him moving over her, how he seems so hesitant to pull his face away from hers, how gently he strokes her hip with metal fingers all point to  _ something  _ else, something she hasn't felt before. 

Something she isn't sure she's supposed to feel, but something she very desperately  _ wants  _ to. 

He rolls his hips down slowly, again, again, the same indulgent slowness of movement he'd had in the shower, and she recognizes, vaguely, that this can't possibly all be just for her. 

He feels it, too. He's luxuriating in it. 

"Stay with me, sugar," his voice is in her ear, his head tucked into the crook of her neck, and there's that name again, one she doesn't quite get.

“Where would I go?” she asks back, following his lead, her fingers brushing caresses over his shoulder blades, down his back, loving the feeling of his muscles moving under the skin. She’s just never felt the urge to touch anyone so much, so completely, everywhere, all over. “What does that mean anyway?”

"What does what -" he trails off, lips touching her neck, his shoulders arching into her hands. 

He really is beautiful, she thinks, even more than just because of what she'd been told he was made for. Outside of his usefulness, the symbolism of his arm, outside of the glory he was meant to represent. 

He's much different, much smaller, much less mysterious this way. 

She likes that.

And she likes the thought that she’s the one who he allows to see it.

Natalia smiles and tips her head back to give him more room, her hands caressing the sides of his torso.

“Sugar. That’s the second time now.”

He huffs against her skin, an amused little sound, his thrusts slowing even more, each one a long, slow drag as he sinks inside her. 

"Habit," he replies simply, and then he considers a moment. "Very American," he adds, with another quiet noise, more pleasure than anything this time. "I'm still working on your education, you see."

Her smile widens just before her mouth falls open for a soft sound of pleasure, somewhere between a moan and a sigh.

How can this feel so good…

“Alright… Then tell me what else they call their girls over in America?”

His lips find the hollow of her jaw, another roll of his hips sending sparks dancing up her spine.

"Well, the girl you want to  _ keep  _ -" His left hand reaches for hers, then, lacing their fingers together, and he brings their hands to rest on the pillow beside her head. "She's your best girl, and you ask her to go steady with you, so she's just yours, to keep."

“Oh?”

She immediately grips his hand in return, cool metal against her palm, and her hips have started moving back against him, easily picking up the rhythm he sets.

“What about the girl though? Does that mean she gets to keep him too?”

"She already does," he breathes, touching their foreheads together. His hips still for a moment, like he's trying to push even closer. "By the time the boy says that, he's already far gone. He's been hers for a while, even if he didn't know it."

Natalia isn’t sure why, but for some reason those words grip her deeply, make her shudder and hold him tighter.

“And… she’s aware of that? Always? Is that - always?”

"It's obvious." He rocks into her again, still pressed close, deep, deep inside her and she never wants him any further away than that again. "Even if he could hide it, he doesn't want to."

That sounds…

God.

It sounds so beautiful, even if this is exactly what she used to scoff at.

Natalia presses her face against his neck, her legs crossed over the small of his back, and suddenly a long, helpless moan fights its way out of her throat.

“That’s -  _ oh _ \- What else…?”

She can feel him stirring inside her, his hips speeding up just enough to make it  _ perfect _ , drawing the warmth that's been pooling in her stomach through her whole body, spreading to the tips of her fingers and toes. 

"He'd give her something special of his, maybe." He lets out a soft groan against her shoulder, his head coming to rest heavily in the crook of her neck. "If he had something like that, he'd give it to her to keep, to wear like a token."

She thinks it, her heart twisting strangely, a moment before he says it, whispered against her skin like a secret. 

"But I don't have anything like that."

“T-that’s okay.”

She only whispers it but it comes instantly, even though she can’t believe this is a  _ thing  _ suddenly. It’s so unreal. And it doesn’t help that he already makes her feel so incredibly, achingly good again.

“Do you - Do you want to keep me?”

She doesn’t want it to get out, but somehow it does anyway.

He doesn't hesitate.

"Yes. Very much."

It’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever heard.

Natalia holds him tighter with a soft, wet laugh, and suddenly, without warning, she’s coming, panting quickly, unsteadily, eyes pressed shut, her body fluttering powerfully around him.

For a long moment there’s nothing else she can see, or feel. But she hears him, how sweet her name sounds on his lips as her followers her after, his hips stuttering once more against hers before - 

She can  _ feel it _ , feel him coming, too, pulsing deep inside her, and the sensation overwhelms her, all of it does, and she can't help but cry out again, quietly, burying her face in his hair. 

And he stays that way, as close as he can possibly get, his lips brushing softly, sated, over her throat.

Quiet. Blissful.

She’s not sure how long they’re resting together like that, but there’s nothing else she wants. His body over her feels like a secure blanket, not too heavy but warm and anchoring, and she realizes her fingertips are brushing small, senseless patterns over his back.

Eventually she nuzzles her nose against his hair, slow and lazy, and smiles a little, whispering, “Does that mean you’re mine?”

He's so quiet and pliant on top of her that, for a moment, she thinks he might be asleep. 

"Yes."

A soft hum, warm breath against her neck, and he all but purrs against her, pressing into her touches. 

"Yours."

It’s something so simple, and yet it has the ability to make her so incredibly, unimaginably happy.

Natalia laughs in delight and starts pressing small kisses to his temple, his hair, the side of his face, whatever she can reach, a sudden energy in her that’s new, fuelled by elation.

He rouses a bit more slowly, but when he raises his head, he's beaming at her, loose and soft, catching her in a kiss. 

"Mine," he says against her lips, low and hot, finally abandoning their clasped hands to slide his fingers into her hair, holding her close.

“Yes,” she grins brightly, their foreheads resting together, lips almost touching. And maybe there  _ is  _ something to all that after all, when people talk about that feeling of belonging, but not to a place or an institution, but to someone. To look at them and just  _ know _ .

She’s so giddy she could burst.

“What are you then, if I’m your best girl? My… best boy?”

He huffs a quiet laugh, stealing another kiss. 

"That sounds silly," he says, his right arm sliding beneath her to wrap around her waist, holding her close. "Just call me -"

He breaks off, for a second, and his eyes go far away even though the smile doesn't leave his lips.

"You can call me James, that's okay."

Her mouth falls open in surprise, her heart stumbling a little. She’s wanted to know, all this time, and she  _ would  _ have asked later, she knows that, she wanted to. And now he just offers it to her.

“That’s… your name?”

How silly she feels now for not having asked sooner.

"It sounds right?" he offers, looking at her, and the thought that maybe he doesn't really  _ know  _ strikes her, like an electric shock. "I think so."

Natalia breathes out and then tilts her head up to kiss him, just a small, gentle brush of her lips against his. Then she draws back and just looks into his eyes.

“So that’s what you want me to call you?”

He looks at her with something soft and adoring in his eyes. 

"Please?"

A smile widens on her lips, and she lets the name roll off her tongue again, slow and deliberate.

“James… Like the English kings.”

He shakes his head, an affectionate laugh leaving him. 

"Not sure about  _ that  _ -"

“But there were - two, I think?” she laughs, shifting against him until she’s on her side and can prop her head up on her arm. “Or three? James… mmhh, I like that.”

He rolls onto his side to face her, and his left hand reaches out immediately, fingertips trailing over her side. 

"I think it's a secret," he says, leaning in to kiss her again. "That can be the special thing, only you can have it."

For how sweet she thinks this is, it’s also heartbreaking in a way, and she wonders again how she could just accept that he was nameless for those weeks she’s known him now.

Natalia’s never going to think of him just as the Soldier again. And she tries to show him in the way she returns his kiss, grateful and apologetic, and very tender.

“ _ Thank you. _ ”

They fall back into kissing for a few more long minutes, his hand tracing over her side, but eventually he pulls away just enough to brush their noses together, smiling. 

"I should find something to clean you up."

“You don’t have to,” she says immediately, dropping another kiss on the corner of his mouth. “I can do that, you just stay and relax.”

"I want to do it." His lips find her temple, and Natalia pauses and looks at him, something fluttering in her chest, a feeling that's becoming more and more familiar.

She bites down on her lower lip but then allows the smile.

“Okay… Alright, I won’t stop you then.”

He slips off the bed, retrieving their abandoned towels and the used cloth from before, and returns from the bathroom a few minutes later with a new cloth and a glass of water that he offers to her first.

She has to force herself not to drink more than half, only noticing now how thirsty she is. But she offers the rest to him without hesitation and then lies back down, letting her legs fall open for him, struck momentarily by the thought of how she doesn’t feel reluctant or uncomfortable at all.

He finishes the glass and rests it on the small night table before he climbs onto the bed and insinuates himself between her thighs, lying on his stomach and grinning at her like he belongs there, dropping kisses on each of her knees before he lifts them to hook over his shoulders.

It makes her laugh, but she shifts indulgently, making herself comfortable around him.

“Do most guys like doing this, or just you?”

"Doing what?" He presses another kiss to the inside of her thigh, over the already almost-faded abrasion from earlier, wiping her skin softly with the cloth. "This?"

"Mhmm?"

This is nice, she thinks, but everything he does tonight is nice.

"Is this what you guys do when - when you mean it?"

He considers for a moment, cleaning gently between her legs.

"It's what I want to do."

Natalia reaches out and just rests a hand on his hair, caressing slowly.

"Tell me more? About what you like to do, when we're like this?"

"I -"

He makes a noncommittal sort of hum, resting his cheek on her thigh. 

"I like this." He rests the cloth on the bed, and loops his arms under her thighs to rest his palms on her hips. "I'd like to be here a lot, and taste you." 

He smiles, a wicked twist on one side just for a moment, and then runs the point of his chin on her thigh, tickling her until she can't help but let out a laugh and squirm a little. 

"Like watching you come. A lot."

“I  _ noticed _ ,” she laughs and tugs affectionately on his hair. Natalia is pretty sure she’s going to get very used to seeing him down there. “So that’s not new. Tell me something I  _ don’t  _ know.”

It’s a tease, a very gentle one, carried by an affectionate smile and more caresses in his hair. There’s so much she’s already learned about him that night, but it’s so exhilarating that she’s simply greedy for more.

He hums again, nudging his head up into her hand, almost like a cat who'd like very much to be pet, and who gets sort of adorable and bossy if you stop. 

And then she can't help but laugh again, at that idea, this deadly man lying half in her lap and wanting nothing more than for her to touch him. 

No one would believe her, even if she wanted to tell. 

"You could sit on my face again," he offers, voice even and unaffected despite what he's talking about, still dusting kisses over her thighs. "But the other way, so you can bend down and use your mouth on me, too."

Natalia knows immediately what he means, and her mouth falls open in surprised delight.

“Oh… oh, alright, yes. We could do that,” she finishes with a grin. The possibility wouldn’t have occurred to her just like this, and suddenly she wonders how much else there is they could do.

He leans up a bit to nuzzle at the mark he left earlier. 

"And I want to do it in the shower, next time we train," he says simply, drawing a soft laugh from her.

“Like earlier? With you carrying me?”

"Yes," he nudges up into her hand again, because her fingers have stilled. "Just like that."

She goes back to petting him immediately, gently combing her fingers through his hair, humming as she considers it and decides she likes that too.

“Good… yes,” Natalia says, smiling a little ruefully. “Sorry you didn’t get to do it earlier.”

His lips wander to her other thigh, and he regards the unblemished skin curiously for a moment. 

"Don't be," he replies, before settling in to worry a matching mark on her skin, and she jumps a little in surprise, letting out a short laugh.

This is strangely endearing. Natalia is pretty sure she knows why he’s doing this, and it makes her heart flutter a little.

“And… what else could we do?”

He leans up a bit, his eyes flicking from one mark to the other, and then he kisses each of them in quick succession, one after the other.

"You said I had to taste myself," he reminds her, looking up her body and meeting her eyes again. "Maybe us together, instead."

“Together?” This time she’s not sure she understands, and regards him curiously. “How?”

He leans in again, pressing a soft kiss against her.

"After we finish," he says. "Instead of cleaning you with the cloth?"

_ Now  _ realization comes to her, and Natalia feels her eyes widen and her mouth fall open again in surprise.

“You’d - want to do that?”

"Why not?" 

His left hand slides over her hip to rest low on her stomach, sort of proprietarily. 

"You'd rather watch me do it on my own?"

“I…” She huffs out a soft laugh, actually not sure what to say. “I don’t know? Maybe we can just see when we get there?”

"I'd like to watch you," he shrugs subtly, jostling her legs gently. "You never have before, right? Touched yourself?"

Natalia blinks at him slowly. “That… ah… no,” she admits, and suddenly she’s asking herself if that’s another normal thing people do that they never told her about.

When it comes to sex, it seems they didn’t tell them a whole lot after all.

After a moment she finally shifts again, subtly indicating that she’d like to have him up there with her again, and he goes willingly, easing her knees off his shoulders and pushing up fluidly to hover over her. 

"Would you want to do it for me?"

“What about you?” she asks in return, curious, and she reaches for him and reverses their positions, pushing him onto his back so she can settle comfortably against his side, half on top of him. She lays her arm over his chest and rests her chin on it to be able to look at him. “Is that something you do?”

"Sometimes," he offers, his arm looping around her waist. "If I can't sleep."

Natalia wonders why the answer surprises her, and realizes that it’s for a reason she feels, in that moment, rather ashamed of.

Everyone around her always treated him more like a machine than an actual man and that, somehow, in some aspects, must have affected her own thinking. She bites down on the inside of her lower lip until it stings, and then eventually replies.

“I will. But I’d like to watch you too, if that’s okay.”

He kisses her hair, his left hand coming to cover hers on his stomach. 

"Sure." He laces their fingers together. "Whenever you want, we can take turns." He smiles against her hair, she can feel it, a soft huff of laughter preceding his words. "You'd want to get good at it, I think, so you can stroke yourself while I touch you?"

She makes a soft sound that she isn’t entirely sure herself is only amusement and settles more comfortably, pillowing her head on his shoulder.

“Mmh… I might practice for this,” she says with a small grin.

"You make it sound like homework," he chuckles, kissing her forehead, and she laughs quietly against his skin.

“I think I’m going to have much more fun with that.”

"True." His hand comes up to stroke her hair. "Some girls like doing that during anal sex, it makes it feel very good," he says, matter-of-factly, and Natalia wonders yet again how much there is to this she  _ still  _ doesn’t know.

“Okay…? What’s that?”

"What's what?"

“Anal sex?”

"Oh." He pushes up a little, on his elbow, to look at her. "We don't have to  _ do it _ \- but it's - some people like it, it's very - intimate, different than just usual sex -"

Well, he does have her curious now. Natalia slowly raises her eyebrows, in all honesty not sure what could be  _ more  _ intimate than what they just did.

And she doesn’t think there was anything  _ usual  _ about it either.

He is cute, when he gets flustered, though. 

"And it doesn't - hurt, or anything, it's just -" 

He holds his hands up, gesturing for a second, and drops them again.  

"If you want to try, I could try with my hands first? To see if you like it."

“James,” she cuts in, the name briefly filling her with a small thrill before she continues with a simple, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He lets out a frustrated sort of huff, and he looks - nervous? Really?

"Sex, like we did, just - I'm not inside your vagina, we use your anus instead," the words rush out, and his cheeks sort of color, a wry smile twisting up one corner of his mouth. "When I put it like that, it sounds very unappealing, yes?"

She blinks at him, slowly, and then her eyes narrow a little even while the corners of her mouth twitch disbelievingly.

“Are you…” She huffs out a soft breath because she can’t think of the expression. <“Are you pulling my leg?”>

"I am not kidding you," he replies, his arm looping around her waist again to scoop her up into his lap. He leans back against the headboard of the bed, smiling sort of sheepishly. "It's how two men have sex," he offers by way of explanation, and Natalia feels so, so  _ stupid  _ when all she can do is blink again.

“… two men.”

"Yes." He loops his arms around her. "Homosexuals?"

Is there anything she  _ does  _ know?

Natalia sets her jaw and tries not to let it show that she’s somewhere between angry and embarrassed.

“Explain. Please.  _ All  _ of that.”

He kisses her temple, holding her more closely, and where did he learn all about this stuff anyway? Natalia doubts that he could have learned it here.

"Homosexuals, people who are attracted to their same gender," he answers simply, and well. When he says it like that, it sounds really simple. "Men who like having sex with men, and women who like having sex with women." He tucks his chin to look down at her, serene, like he usually is when he's explaining something to her. "None of the girls in the Program were…?"

A small frown flickers over her face.

“We were never alone. And I don’t know their thoughts,” Natalia says slowly, wondering now. She’s very certain that there’s nothing that happened between any of them, because what she says is true: they were under almost constant observation, and when there was none of the staff present like at night or in the washrooms, they were at least with each other.

"Well," he nuzzles her cheek, clearly trying to distract her. "None of that is important, as long as you're happy with what  _ we  _ choose to do."

It works, and Natalia relaxes a little, reaching up to wind her arms around his neck.

“I am,” she reassures him, leaning against his chest. And the corners of her mouth twitch. “But I still can’t believe people do that. Isn’t it…?” she trails off, nose scrunching up a little, and substitutes her words with a vague hand gesture.

"Apparently, it feels good," he replies lightly, understanding what she means, but then he leans down to kiss her softly, his voice turning serious. "But I'll never make you do anything you don't want to do." He touches his forehead to hers. " _ Ever. _ "

She knows he wouldn’t. Somehow, after everything, he wouldn’t even have needed to say it now, because Natalia simply knows.

He’s the one person she knows, maybe in the world, who’s never going to do that. It’s very easy to believe him.

“I know,” she replies quietly and brushes her lips over his. “I feel like there’s so much you still need to tell me about. Nothing what - They taught us so much about so many things, but  _ this  _ is pitiful. I feel like I don’t know the first thing about sex after all.”

Or didn’t, at least.

He smiles kindly, and kisses her again. 

"Do you have questions about what we did today?"

“No,” Natalia smiles back, can say that with a lot of certainty. She nudges him gently with her nose. “I just really liked all of that.”

"Then we'll keep doing it," he grins at her, left hand trailing up her spine. "Whenever you want."

“Whenever we  _ can _ ,” she grins back, pressing a small kiss to the corner of his mouth. And then wrinkles her nose again as another thought comes to her.

“Okay, but… just as some kind of warning in advance for me… Is there anywhere else you guys like to stick your - What do you call it?” she wants to know with a smirk, reaching down to quickly swipe a fingertip over him.

She lets out an amused huff when he twitches under her touch. 

"Do you want to know the English word? Or the colloquialism?"

Her grin widens mischievously. “Don’t see how there’d be much of a difference.”

"Well," he reaches for her hand, guiding it to wrap around him. "Penis," he says, wrinkling his nose. "Please don't call it that while we're -"

She’s still grinning in boundless amusement. “Why not?”

"Sounds - clinical," he makes a face, leaning in to kiss the corner of her mouth. "If you're talking about it, you can call it my cock, that sounds much better."

“Your cock,” she repeats, still grinning all over her face. Honestly, so far it’s just unknown words to her, they’re one and the same, but if that’s what he prefers, of course she’ll go with it.

Speaking of.

It’s not really been flaccid when he put her hand on it, but now it feels like it’s filling up again under her fingers.

Natalia draws her eyebrows up and looks pointedly from his lap up into his face again.

“Are you serious? Is  _ that  _ normal?”

"Normal for me," he chuckles, his fingers stroking over her wrist slowly. "Just leave it be, it'll go away -"

That just makes her laugh along with him and, after a moment’s hesitation, Natalia withdraws her hand and looks into his eyes again instead.

“Alright. But if you do want something done about it…”

"Oh?" He smiles, open, affectionate, and then he leans in to kiss her again, and she realizes she really,  _ really  _ doesn't want this night to ever end. "If you want, if not it'll just -"

Natalia has no idea why exactly she thinks this is so funny, but she  _ does _ , and she can’t stop letting out small pearls of giggles.

“Okay. Just… Doesn’t it get - sore?”

"No." He seems amused by her, but not in a condescending way, just -

It's  _ nice _ , just laughing together. 

He nuzzles her cheek again, and he seems, for some reason, delighted by her.

"Just gets tired, eventually. Or bored."

“Well, that’s convenient,” she laughs, a happy giddiness sitting in her chest, and she wraps her arms back around his neck. “I’m pretty sure  _ I _ get sore.”

Knows she does, in fact.

His arms come to wrap around her again, and he presses a kiss to her forehead. 

"Are you? Now?"

Natalia quickly shakes her head, pressing a little closer to him.

“No… not at all.”

"Good," he replies, sounding placated. "That's - a good reason to let me touch you, first, so you don't -"

"I noticed," she says immediately, and it's soft and grateful, and she smiles a little. "I'm not going to try and stop you again."

He doesn't reply, just bends down to kiss her again, his right hand coming to rest gently against her cheek. And he doesn't pull away, just draws her in, instead, and soon they're trading kisses again, deeper and longer each time.

And eventually, Natalia does reach for his cock again, blindly, fingers wrapping around the head to give it a slow, even stroke.

Figuring that, if he already shows up for it, she can just have a little fun.

He gasps against her lips, his cock twitching heavy and hot in her hand, and then his hands come to wrap around her hips, lifting her easily and shifting her until she's seated straddling his thighs. He doesn't even break their kiss, just swiftly, fluidly moves her, and Natalia finds that she doesn't even mind him rearranging her like a doll.

In  _ fact _ , secretly, she kind of likes it. 

He kisses her deeply again, humming into it, and his fingertips trail up her sides slowly, his hands finally coming to rest on her chest, covering her breasts, weighing them gently in his palms.

She wouldn’t mind if he did that a lot more.

Natalia slides her hips further into his lap but keeps her upper body still so he has the room to keep touching her. But it brings her close enough that she can rest his erection against her lower belly and just stroke her palm along him, unhurriedly up and down, so hot and hard against her.

His hands feel wonderful on her, soft, teasing touches, the cool metal adding a sharp edge of sensation when he strokes his thumbs over her nipples, his lips brushing over her neck.

"What do you want, my Natalia?" he asks, a gentle breath over her skin, his hands still palming her breasts slowly, fingers pinching gently at her nipples.

They've responded immediately, are hard to his touch.

No one ever  _ asks  _ her these things, and it makes her want to do  _ everything  _ for him, no matter how naive, no matter how dangerous.

"Mmh… I want to watch you come," she says, her gaze trailing over his face. "Can you, like this? Should I do something else?"

He leans up to kiss her again, softly, a smile on his face. 

"You're doing very well," he says, eyes resting on hers. "But what about you?"

Her smile widens, both because of the praise and the question. "I'm good. Just want to watch you."

"Do you want me to keep touching you?" His eyes dip to his hands for a moment, before returning to her face. "Or is it too much?"

"No, it's nice," she returns immediately, smiling, leaning forward to brush a soft kiss to his lips. She brings her thumb up and runs it along the rim of his head, circling it slowly.

He lets out a soft groan, his hips flexing to push himself further into her hand, and his fingertips begin stroking over her skin again, his palms gliding over her breasts. 

"So is that," he replies, his voice lowered, adding, "You don't have to be so careful, it's alright."

It makes her laugh a little, and she leans back to shake her head and flick her hair back over her shoulders, getting it out of the way before she leans close again.

"I didn't know I was being careful." But she does pick up on it, her touch getting stronger. "Like this then? Better?"

"Mm - that's perfect -"

His hands fall to her hips again, wrapping around them, and he rocks into her hand, another noise rumbling deep in his chest.

"You're good at this -"

Natalia beams at him in reply, gently nuzzling her face against his. She loves how it feels to stroke him against her stomach, and when she glances down, she can see a pearly drop form right at his tip.

She thinks that's what she tasted earlier, when she had him in her mouth.

"Good…"

"Talia -" 

He whines, his right hand coming to stroke over her wrist, urging on her strokes.

"Faster," he says, "just a bit faster, darling, that's - you're doing so -"

It's so beautiful, to be called that, makes her breath hitch and her heart stumble.

Natalia immediately wraps her hand fully around him again, and now her strokes are urgent, increasingly fast just like he asked, inevitably catching the bit of fluid leaking from the tip. It makes it easier, she realizes suddenly.

He gasps, his hand settling back on her hip, and then his head drops back, his eyes falling closed. 

"You -" his voice sounds hoarse suddenly, his back arching, "you may want to move away, darling, so I don't -"

He sets his teeth in his lip with another groan.

"What?" She doesn't stop, but tries to catch his gaze, even though his eyes remain closed. "So you don't what? James…"

Once she says his name, it's like - he just  _ reacts _ , his fingers digging into her hips sharply, a loud moan leaving him, his hips jerking up into her hand as he comes. He curls in on himself as he does, his head tipping forward to drop on her shoulder, spilling warm all over her hand, his stomach, a few stray drops landing on her thighs.

His face, when he came, was the most beautiful sight just as she thought it would be.

Natalia breathes out a soft sigh, stroking him still until there's nothing left, and she knows she's going to remember this, and she's going to call him by name so often whenever they're alone.

"James."

"Mmph," is his only reply, his face tucking against her neck, but she can feel him shiver, his cock giving a half-hearted twitch in her hand.

Another few muffled noises, and then he presses his lips to her throat.

"That was amazing."

Natalia laughs quietly and finally lets go, tilting her head to press a kiss to his hair.

"Are you always going to say that about everything I do with you?" She smirks a little, switches to Russian because she doesn't know the word for what she wants to say. <"Sounds like fibbing to me.">

<"It's not."> His arms come to circle around her hips, pulling her closer. <"It all  _ is  _ amazing, because  _ you are _ amazing.">

She simply curls closer to him, not caring about the mess between them this time. He's warm and solid and a marvel, and she never wants to lose contact with him ever again.

"So are you. You know that, James, right?" she murmurs against the crook of his neck, feeling like she's glowing with warmth.

He doesn't reply, just nuzzles his face against her neck, entirely pliant against her. His fingertips stroke over the small of her back, and he presses little kisses to her skin, staying quiet for a few minutes.

It's just fine with her. Her eyes drift shut at some point, from all the warmth and comfort and the faint feeling of his heartbeat under her skin, and Natalia thinks that she might be getting sleepy like this.

And she has no desire to move away from him.

They must both drift off for a while, because the next thing she knows he's nudging her gently, whispering her name against her hair. 

<"Natalia."> He strokes her sides, his voice low and fond. <"Let's get you cleaned up, so you can sleep.">

<"Mhmm… okay.">

She blinks her eyes back open and pulls back from him, hiding a small yawn behind her hand. It's probably not that surprising that she got tired, it's late and what they did took a lot out of her body she simply isn't used to. So she crawls off his lap and to her feet, careful not to get the sheets stained.

She notices him watching her appreciatively, his eyes traveling over her body slowly, but she doesn't feel the need to hide or cover herself, perfectly happy to let him look. And he does, for a few more moments, before pulling himself up as well, retrieving the cloth from the nightstand.

Natalia smiles at him, a little more awake again, and she crosses the distance and closes her hands around the cloth.

<"I know you like this. But can I, this time?">

<"Okay,"> he replies, letting her take it from him and bending down to kiss the top of her head.

Her smile widens and she tilts her head up to be able to kiss him on the lips, brief and grateful.

She takes the cloth and slips into the bathroom with it, washing it out in the sink, soaking it up with warm water again. As he did those times before, she cleans herself up right there, the few drops that hit her thighs and stomach, then washes it out again before returning to him.

He's settled back on the bed, seated comfortably on the edge, leaning back on his hands, and when he catches sight of her he smiles again, broad and brilliant.

She grins back at him and comes over, going right back to straddling his thighs and kissing his lips, letting herself get distracted by that for a few long, wonderful moments.

Eventually she draws back though and glances down, gently starting to wipe the damp cloth over his skin, cleaning it up.

He hums contentedly, nuzzling at her shoulder, and lets his hands slide up her thighs slowly. The muscles in his stomach jump under her touches, and she can't help tracing her fingers over them, still curious to explore his body, even now.

Natalia thinks this might be why he likes it so much. To be able to touch a little more, to appreciate silently, with glances and caresses. It makes her go on even when she's done, for just a few moments longer.

He nuzzles closer to her, nudging his nose against her cheek. 

<"You should sleep, dear one."> His hands rest lightly on her thighs, thumbs stroking absently over the already-fading marks he left there. <"I'll watch over you.">

Natalia's gaze rises to watch his face while she balls up the cloth and throws it to the side. And then she simply wraps her arms around his shoulders and hugs him, squeezing him tight for a moment.

<"We'll be alright here,"> she murmurs quietly, wordlessly saying that he doesn't need to keep her safe. And yet she appreciates it nevertheless. <"You won't sleep?">

It's a redundant question, but she asks anyway.

His arms come up to loop around her, holding her close as he shifts back on the bed, settling them to lie down, her body pillowed on his chest, still straddling his legs. He pulls the blankets up around them, pressing another kiss to her shoulder. 

<"I need to be alert, to ensure satisfactory completion of my mission."> He smiles wryly, swatting her hip. <"Remember, the whole reason we're here?">

<"I haven't forgotten!"> she protests, nudging at his shoulder in retaliation, but she only snuggles closer to him.

The spot in the crook of his neck is one of her favorite, and it's where she pillows her head, her arm sliding around his waist.

<"Wake me up before it's time, please?">

<"I will."> He kisses her hair, his left hand finding its way into the long strands again. His voice lowers a bit, losing the businesslike tone it had taken. "I'd like to do it again, before we have to go."

That makes her laugh, and she tips her head back to be able to look up at him.

She understands it though, entirely. Who knows when they will have the opportunity again.

"I would love that."

"But you should sleep now," he says, leaning up to kiss her. "Before I change my mind and want to do it now."

"I think I have a word in that too," Natalia smiles and steals another kiss, but then she rests her head again and closes her eyes. She's so comfortable, she knows it's not going to be long until she's going to be asleep.

"Thank you, James. Thank you."

He shushes her, his fingers stroking through her hair, and he's so warm, his body so welcoming, she can already feel herself drifting off again. 

"Thank  _ you _ ," he says, whispered against her hair, and she can feel him smiling. "My best girl."

Natalia presses a soft, sleepy kiss to his skin.

She doesn't stop smiling until she's asleep.


End file.
